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2021

  • 3 min read

Leadership Styles

What prompted you to leave your job? One of the most common reasons for resigning is dissatisfaction with one's supervisor. This led me to become interested in the study of leadership.

Many years ago, I was thrilled to start my role as a junior software engineer at an international IT consulting firm. My team's director was Mr. Lau. He had an impressive resume, boasting years of professional experience and an EMBA degree. I was eager to join a team led by someone who seemed so capable and kind.

Here's what happened on my first day at work: "Hello, my name is Victor; today is my first day here," I said upon meeting my colleagues. "Welcome aboard, Victor, and good luck in your new role," my colleague replied, albeit with a strange smile. "You should know, three managers recently resigned before you came on board. Everyone here is wary of Mr. Lau. You might want to tread carefully." This warning immediately put me on edge.

In my leadership studies, I've learned that there are six different types of leadership styles. I covered these in an earlier chapter, drawing from a book by Daniel Goleman, a well-known behavioral science journalist. The six styles are:

  1. Coercive
  2. Authoritative
  3. Affiliative
  4. Democratic
  5. Pacesetting
  6. Coaching

Mr. Lau's management style was a blend of the first two: coercive and authoritative.

One day, while I was quietly doing my work, I heard someone shouting from the pantry. It was Mr. Lau. "WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?" he yelled, berating my colleague Johnny. "The client had to postpone the project because of your utterly incorrect proposal!" A litany of expletives followed, which was both unprofessional and disrespectful.

Mr. Lau exemplified the first type of leadership: coercive leaders who demand immediate compliance. While this top-down approach can be effective in some situations, it was largely ineffective here. Whenever Mr. Lau was angry, issues did get resolved swiftly—mainly because everyone was too afraid not to act.

He also fit into the second type: authoritative leaders who guide their team members. While this style is generally effective as it provides a clear direction, it backfired here because the team viewed Mr. Lau as arrogant.

Many team members ended up resigning due to his leadership methods. Despite raising concerns to senior management, nothing changed. It turned out that Mr. Lau's supervisor was equally abrasive and treated him the same way.

Fortunately, the company's CEO intervened and replaced Mr. Lau with Mr. So, who led in an affiliative and democratic fashion. Affiliative leaders focus on building emotional bonds and harmony. This positively impacted team communication. Mr. So consistently provided positive feedback to his employees.

As for his democratic leadership style, he sought to build consensus through collaboration. He instilled a sense of trust, respect, and commitment in the team, and was always willing to listen to our concerns. The shift in leadership styles brought about a much happier work environment.

In addition to my day job, I have encountered leaders who fall under other styles, such as pacesetters who demand high performance and autonomy. I've also met coaching leaders, who focus on the long-term development of their team members by helping them align their strengths with personal and professional goals.

In summary, the six leadership styles I have identified through my research are Coercive, Authoritative, Affiliative, Democratic, Pacesetting, and Coaching. My study of these styles facilitated my promotion from a junior software engineer to an engineering manager. I hope that you all can grow as leaders so that no one has to lose their job because of poor management.

  • in zh
  • 1 min read

領導風格

是什麼驅使你離開你的工作？辭職最常見的理由之一是對上司的不滿。這引起了我對領導研究的興趣。

許多年前，我興奮地開始在一家國際 IT 諮詢公司擔任初級軟件工程師的職務。我的團隊主管是劉先生。他有一份令人印象深刻的履歷，擁有多年的專業經驗和 EMBA 學位。我渴望加入由這麼能幹和善良的人領導的團隊。

這是我上班的第一天的情況："你好，我的名字叫Victor，今天是我在這裡的第一天，"我在見到同事時說。"歡迎你上船，Victor，並祝你在新的角色中好運，"我的同事回答，盡管他的笑有些奇怪。"你應該知道，在你加入之前，有三個經理剛剛辭職。這裡的每個人都對劉先生保持警惕。你可能需要小心謹慎一點。"這個警告立即讓我緊張起來。

在我的領導研究中，我了解到有六種不同的領導風格。我在之前的一章中講述了這些風格，引用了知名行為科學記者 Daniel Goleman 的一本書。這六種風格是：

  1. 強迫
  2. 權威
  3. 領導關係
  4. 民主
  5. 領頭羊
  6. 教練

劉先生的管理風格是前兩種的混合體：強迫和權威。

有一天，當我安靜地做著我的工作時，我聽到有人從茶水間大吼。那是劉先生。"你怎麼可以這麼笨？"他大罵我同事 Johnny。"因為你完全錯誤的提案，客戶不得不把計劃延後！"一連串的謾罵接踵而來，這既不專業又不尊重。

劉先生體現了第一種領導風格：強迫型領導者，他們要求立即服從。雖然這種自上而下的方法在某些情況下可能是有效的，但在這裡大多數情況下是無效的。每當劉先生生氣的時候，問題確實會迅速得到解決，主要是因為每個人都太怕他了。

他也符合第二種類型：權威型領導者，他們引導他們的團隊成員。雖然這種風格通常是有效的，因為它提供了清晰的指導方向，但在這裡反而讓團隊認為劉先生傲慢無禮。

許多團隊成員最終因為他的領導方法而辭職。儘管對高層管理提出了問題，但仍然沒有任何改變。結果證明，劉先生的上司同樣刻薄，對待他的方式也是一樣。

幸運的是，公司的 CEO 介入，以苏先生取代了劉先生，他用的是親和民主風格的領導方法。親和型領導者專注於建立情感連結和和諧。這對團隊溝通產生了積極的影響。蘇先生始終給予員工積極的反饋。

對於他的民主領導風格，他努力通過協作來建立共識。他在團隊中建立了信任、尊重和承諾的感覺，並且總是願意聆聽我們的疑慮。領導風格的轉變帶來了一個更快樂的工作環境。

除了我每天的工作，我還遇到了其他風格的領導者，如要求高性能和自主性的領頭羊風格的領導者。我也遇到了教練型的領導者，他們專注於藉助隊員根據自身優勢和個人專業目標定位，實現長期發展。

總之，我通過研究確定了六種領導風格：強迫型、權威型、親和型、民主型、領頭羊風格和教練型。對這些風格的研究促使我從初級軟件工程師晉升為工程經理。我希望你們都可以成長為領導者，這樣就不會因為管理不善而失去工作。

  • 3 min read

Take Charge and Lead

I am now a manager, responsible for directing a small team. To perform well in our roles, we need a blend of talents, including technical knowledge, emotional intelligence, and negotiation skills. Both within my organization and among clients, we interact with employees from diverse cultures and time zones. Striking a balance between work and relationships is critical.

I've experienced impostor syndrome, especially when I consider the many talented individuals on my team. However, I recognize the value of a growth mindset and understand that improvement is possible. The strength of our team lies in our collective ability to enhance our skills over time.

For instance, public speaking terrifies me. When speaking before a large audience, articulating my concerns becomes even more challenging. After consulting a colleague, I found that I am not alone; many share my apprehension despite our culture of open feedback.

Though giving feedback can be difficult, I have started practicing and learning how to do it effectively. This effort requires both willpower and skill, but it's vital for the team and me to communicate effectively to improve our work quality.

To facilitate this, I might use the Situation, Behavior, and Impact (SBI) framework to offer constructive feedback. Instead of accusing or personally attacking team members, we should build trust and make space for problem-solving.

One significant managerial challenge is that we cannot change people who are unwilling to change. Our approach, instead, is to listen carefully and understand their feelings. We employ leading questions to encourage different perspectives and offer personal anecdotes as examples. As a result, we become better managers with a more positive impact.

Coaching and support can motivate the team to overcome problems and barriers, thereby improving management. By offering mutual support and timely feedback, we can create a synergistic culture. This involves a balance between motivational and developmental feedback, allowing us to identify each team member's strengths and weaknesses.

Coaching is about maximizing performance by unlocking potential. It involves helping people learn rather than directly instructing them. Through empathetic listening and open questions, we can support our team members' long-term growth.

I find the GROW framework useful for coaching. It stands for:

  • Goal: What you want to achieve
  • Reality: The current situation
  • Action: Steps to take
  • Options: Available alternatives

For example, I have a coach helping me improve my public speaking skills by setting objective, quantifiable goals. As managers, we often have to make difficult decisions affecting both the company and its people. We must consider various perspectives and continually test our understanding of others' issues.

Our decision-making framework is as follows:

  • What: What are you trying to achieve? Are the goals clear to everyone?
  • Why: Why is this important to everyone involved?
  • Who: Who makes the decisions?
  • When: When will the decision be made?
  • How: How is the decision reached? For instance, is it by consensus?

All leaders face additional decision-making obstacles, like unconscious biases and emotional triggers. However, such biases can adversely affect the quality of our decisions. To mitigate these biases, we need to be aware of them.

It's also vital to recognize emotional states that may lead to stress reactions, such as defensiveness or posturing. Viewing ourselves as team players can help mitigate these challenges.

To further refine our managerial skills, we can use the RACI framework, which defines who is Responsible, Accountable, Consulted, and Informed. This helps articulate the decision-making process early on and provides a structure that balances the need for quick action with the need for team buy-in.

In summary, a good manager is an effective coach who empowers their team, avoids micromanagement, and fosters a positive team culture. Poor management can be demotivating and damaging, especially since employees are often a company's most valuable asset.

As a manager, it's essential to avoid negative behaviors and instead adopt a positive mindset for self-improvement. This benefits not just me but also my team and the broader organization. After all, we spend most of our lives working, so fostering a positive work environment is crucial.

  • in zh
  • 1 min read

掌握主導並領導

我現在是一個主管，負責指導一個小團隊。為了在我們的角色中表現良好，我們需要各種才能，包括技術知識、情感智能和談判技巧。無論在我們的組織內還是在與客戶的交往中，我們都與來自多元文化和時區的員工進行互動。在工作和人際關係之間取得平衡至關重要。

我有過冒名頂替者症候群的經歷，尤其是當我考慮到團隊中的眾多優秀個體時。然而，我認識到成長心態的價值，並理解改善是可能的。我們團隊的優勢在於我們集體提升技能的能力。

例如，公開演講讓我感到恐慌。當在大眾面前講話時，表述我的憂慮變得更加困難。諮詢了一位同事後，我發現我並不孤單；儘管我們擁有開放反饋的文化，許多人仍與我有相同的疑慮。

儘管提供反饋可能難以應對，但我已經開始練習並學習如何有效地進行。這需要意志力和技巧，但對於我和團隊來說，有效的溝通對於提高我們的工作質量至關重要。

為了促進這一點，我可能會使用情況、行為和影響(SBI)框架提供建設性反饋。我們應該建立信任並為解決問題留出空間，而不是指責或對團隊成員進行人身攻擊。

一個重要的管理挑戰是，我們不能改變那些不願意改變的人。我們的方法是細心傾聽並理解他們的感受。我們使用引導性問題來鼓勵不同的觀點並提供個人經驗作為例子。因此，我們能夠成為更好的管理者，並產生更積極的影響。

通過提供教練式的指導和支援，可以激勵團隊克服問題和阻礙，從而改善管理。通過提供相互支援和及時反饋，我們可以創建一種協同的文化。這涉及激勵和發展反饋之間的平衡，使我們能夠識別每個團隊成員的優點和缺點。

教練是通過解鎖潛力來最大化表現。這涉及幫助人們學習，而不是直接指導他們。通過富有同情心的聆聽和開放的問題，我們可以支援團隊成員的長期增長。

我發現GROW框架對於教練很有用。它代表了：

  • 目標：你想要實現什麼
  • 現實：目前的情況
  • 行動：需要採取的步驟
  • 選擇：可用的替代方案

例如，我有一位教練幫助我改善公開演講技巧，通過設定具體、可量化的目標。作為管理者，我們經常需要做出影響公司和其人員的難題決定。我們必須考慮各種觀點並持續測試我們對他人問題的理解。

我們的決策制定框架如下：

  • 什麼：你想實現什麼？目標是否對所有人清晰？
  • 為什麼：這對參與的每個人來說為什麼重要？
  • 誰：誰來做決策？
  • 何時：何時做出決定？
  • 如何：如何達成決定？例如，是通過共識嗎？

所有領導者都面臨額外的決策障礙，比如無意識偏見和情緒觸發。然而，這些偏見可能會對我們的決策質量產生負面影響。為了減輕這些偏見，我們需要意識到它們。

識別可能導致壓力反應的情緒狀態也至關重要，如防衛性或擺姿勢。將我們自己視為團隊成員可以幫助我們緩解這些挑戰。

為了進一步提升我們的管理技能，我們可以使用RACI框架，它定義了誰是負責人、誰是單位負責人、誰是需諮詢者，和誰是需告知者。這有助於在早期表述決策過程，並提供一種結構，平衡了快速行動和團隊購買的需求。

總的來說，一個好的經理是一個能夠賦權他們的團隊、避免微管理，並培養積極的團隊文化的有效教練。糟糕的管理可以讓人失去動力並產生損害，尤其是當員工通常是公司最寶貴的資產時。

作為一個經理，避免負面行為並採取積極的自我提升心態是至關重要的。這不僅對我有益，對我的團隊和整個組織也有益。畢竟，我們大部分的時間都在工作，所以培養一個積極的工作環境是重要的。

  • 3 min read

On Sympathizing with Others' Feelings

Dear Hong Kong friends,

Your anguish is palpable. My heart bled seeing the blood flow from your wounds inflicted by brutal beatings. I empathize with your actions and understand the feelings and suffering of others. We used to enjoy freedom of speech, expressing diverse viewpoints through media, but now we live in the darkest era of Hong Kong's history due to sweeping restrictions.

The government recently shut down Apple Daily because it could not tolerate differing viewpoints. Key opinion leaders who disagree with the government are increasingly silencing themselves, feeling powerless. Their analyses and proposals prove ineffective as the situation worsens daily.

Most concerning is the paralyzing fear we experience because anyone could face legal consequences under the national security law. The burden of proof is minimal; police only need to demonstrate that you intend to jeopardize national security. With the law on their side, they can incarcerate you without trial. Exercise caution, as authorities may scan your WhatsApp and other social media to find reasons to escalate charges.

Do we desire a Hong Kong under dictatorship, without an opposition presence in the Legislative Council? The authorities aim to instill fear, suppressing your opinions. Yet, do you know what truly terrifies dictators? Your dissent. Your ideas, public speeches, and even the color of your T-shirt—preferably black—terrify them.

Your ideas have more potential to influence the world than any weapon. While I may lack the physical means to fight, we must stand against this emergent police state to protect our principles. We feel terror in the face of dictatorship but find solace in fellow Hong Kongers willing to endure imprisonment.

We sympathize with imprisoned Hong Kongers, yet there are no easy or quick solutions to our problems. Articles and speeches can offer temporary relief and spur collective awakening.

Information and enlightenment come from many sources, including books and YouTube videos. We should assess our situation from a global and historical perspective, fully understanding the unchanging nature of the Communist Party. Its desire for power, bad decisions leading to famine, and dismantling of cultural and moral systems remain constant despite political spin.

Reading is not just an intellectual exercise; it provides therapeutic value. The lessons of history and the teachings of philosophers help us navigate uncertain futures and looming political turmoil.

Hong Kong's survival hinges on the free exchange of ideas. Our reactions to news and government policies that contradict our beliefs underline the critical importance of freedom of expression. Though the dictator can silence us, he cannot change our minds. Our core values of democracy, freedom, and justice remain inviolable. The more he suppresses, the more we resist.

Compassion requires no degree, and ethical choices need not be supported by extensive reading. We must question the morality of events like police violence against protesters and collaborations with gangsters.

Your words, however small, can influence others. They resonate with human empathy, urging people to listen, understand, and act. Never underestimate the power of words; they are our last line of defense.

We have a duty to document our thoughts and experiences, offering future generations a chance to understand the misdeeds of tyrants. Your well-structured articles, filled with clear messages and motivational tones, can empower those who feel powerless. Words are not just a means of gaining knowledge; they help us understand the currents shaping our society.

Even as many writers face threats under national security laws, your ideas can ignite the spark that encourages others to overcome fear. Words are our last line of defense in this struggle.

  • in zh
  • 1 min read

對他人情感的同情

親愛的香港朋友，

你們的痛苦是切身可感的。看到你們因為殘酷的毆打而流出的血，我的心都有些痛。我理解你們的行動，明白他人的感受和痛苦。我們曾經享有言論自由，能夠透過媒體表達各種觀點，但現在我們生活在香港歷史上最黑暗的時代，全因言論受限。

政府最近封關了蘋果日報，因為他們無法容忍不同的觀點。與政府意見不合的意見領袖們越來越感到無力，自我審查。他們的分析和建議在情況每日惡化下顯得無力。

最令人擔憂的是，我們因為任何人都可能在國家安全法下面臨法律後果而感到恐慌。證據的負擔非常小；警方只需要證明你有危害國家安全的意圖。有了法律作為他們的武器，他們可以你在未經審訊的情況下收押你。請謹慎行事，當局可能會掃描你的WhatsApp和其他社交媒體，以找到加重罪名的理由。

我們是否希望一個沒有立法會反對派存在的專制香港呢？當局的目的是灌輸恐懼，壓制你們的意見。然而，你知道什麼真正嚇到專制者嗎？你的反對。你的想法，公開演說，甚至你T恤的顏色——最好是黑色——都會讓他們感到害怕。

你的想法比任何武器更有可能影響世界。雖然我可能缺乏實力去戰鬥，但我們必須站出來反對正在出現的警察國家，來保護我們的原則。我們在專制面前感到恐懼，但在願意承受監禁的香港同胞中找到慰藉。

我們同情被囚禁的香港人，但我們的問題沒有簡單或快速的解決方法。文章和演講可以提供臨時的舒緩並激發集體覺醒。

信息和啟蒙來源眾多，包括書籍和YouTube視頻。我們應該從全球和歷史的角度來評估我們的處境，充分理解共產黨的本質。儘管有政治操作，他們對權力的渴求、誤導人民導致飢荒的錯誤決策以及瓦解文化和道德體系的手段始終不變。

閱讀不只是一種知識活動，它具有治療價值。歷史的教訓和哲學家的教導幫助我們應對不明朗的未來和愈演愈烈的政治動盪。

香港的生存取決於思想的自由交換。我們對新聞和政策的反應，表現出言論自由的重要性。獨裁者可以使我們保持沉默，但他不能改變我們的想法。我們的核心價值觀——民主、自由和公正——始終不能被侵犯。他越壓，我們越反。

同情不需要學位，道德選擇無需大量閱讀的支持。我們必須質疑警察對示威者的暴力行為以及與黑幫的合作的道德底線。

你的話，無論多麼細微，都能影響他人。他們可以引發他人的同情，促使他們傾聽、理解和行動。別低估這文字的力量；他們是我們的最後防線。

我們有責任記錄我們的思想和經歷，為未來的一代提供一個了解暴君罪行的機會。你那結構優良的文章，充滿明確的訊息和激勵的語調，可以給那些感到無力的人帶來力量。文字不僅是獲取知識的手段，它們還幫助我們理解塑造社會的潮流。

即使許多作家在國家安全法下面臨威脅，你的想法可以點燃勇於克服恐懼的火花。文字是我們在這場鬥爭中的最後防線。

  • 3 min read

Live in the Moment

Last month, I was planning my speech for a public speaking conference. The process was stressful, and sleep eluded me as I agonized over what could go wrong during my presentation.

To alleviate my anxiety, I needed to focus on the present moment. Worrying about things that might never happen was a waste of both time and energy. While preparation for tomorrow is important, the best way to prepare is to be fully engaged in today's tasks. That is the only way to effectively plan for the future.

In prayer, we ask only for "today's bread," without dwelling on yesterday's stale loaf or tomorrow's uncertainties. The idea is to live for today—you can only consume what is available to you now.

Preparing for my presentation is largely a mental exercise. I like to think of life as an hourglass. Thousands of grains of sand rest at the top, slowly and evenly passing through the narrow neck in the middle. Attempting to rush more than one grain through this bottleneck would clog the hourglass.

Each morning when I wake up, it feels like I have a multitude of tasks ahead. However, tackling them one by one and allowing them to pass through my day gently and evenly—like the grains of sand—is essential for maintaining both my physical and mental well-being.

Rather than fretting over yesterday's burdens or tomorrow's presentation, I can live a more fulfilling life by focusing on today, a compartment of time separate from past and future.

I stand at the crossroads of two eternities: a past I can't change and a future I can't predict. I can exist only in the present moment. I can endure whatever today brings until the sun sets, knowing tomorrow will be a new day.

Life passes by quickly. We journey through space at an incredible speed. Today is the most valuable asset I possess. I live only in the current moment. No one ever loses any life except the one they are presently living, and no one ever lives any life except the one they are about to lose.

The distinction between the longest and shortest lives is negligible. We cannot lose the past or the future; our only guaranteed possession is now. Therefore, to minimize worry, I should focus on living in the present moment.

Of all the resources—focus, time, and money—time is the most crucial for my success and well-being. Anxiety about tomorrow's speech will not improve my performance; rather, it will likely hinder it, causing poor sleep and diminishing my focus.

By optimizing my time and concentrating on the present, I can achieve better outcomes in life. This is the only moment in which I have the power to effect change.

Generally speaking, living in the moment contributes to a happier life, personal growth, improved social interactions, and greater self-acceptance. Trusting my instincts and feelings as they occur helps me combat feelings of impostor syndrome.

Lowering my expectations and knowing that I've given my all in a specific situation helps alleviate embarrassment in case of failure. I must take responsibility for my present circumstances, rather than hiding behind unrealistic fantasies or blaming others.

By caring less about what others may think of me in the future, I can take risks and discover my capabilities. Stretching my self-beliefs could reveal that people are more accepting of my flaws than I thought. Being vulnerable and genuine could lead to stronger social connections.

Currently, I avoid overreacting to societal judgments. I value the present moment with the candid opinions of those who truly appreciate and respect me. I worry less about past perceptions and focus more on how specific people will see me in the future.

Living in the present moment is a powerful tool for moderating overwhelming feelings of rejection and humiliation. It makes me more aware of the irrational negative thoughts that occasionally cloud my mind.

  • in zh
  • 1 min read

活在當下

上個月，我在為一場公開演講會議計劃我的演講。這個過程帶給我很大的壓力，當我 agonized over 我的演講可能出錯的情況時，我無法入睡。

為了緩解我的焦慮，我需要專注於當下。擔心可能永遠不會發生的事情是對時間和精力的浪費。雖然為明天做準備是重要的，但最好的準備方式是全力投入今天的任務。這是有效規劃未來的唯一方式。

在祈禱中，我們只希望得到"今天的麵包"，而不去思考昨天的舊麵包或者明天的不確定性。這種想法就是活在當下—你只能消耗現在你手裡的東西。

為我的演講做準備主要是一種心理運動。我喜歡將生活視為一個沙漏。數千顆沙粒在上面静止，慢慢且平均地通過中間的狹長脖頸。若嘗試一次性將多於一顆的沙粒這樣穿過，會阻塞沙漏。

每天早上當我醒來的時候，感覺我有很多事情要做。然而，一步一步地進行這些任務，讓他們平和地流過我的一天—就像沙粒一樣—對於保持我的身體和精神健康至關重要。

與其為昨天的負擔或明天的演講而煩惱，我可以通過專注於今天這個與過去和未來分隔的時間段來過得更充實。

我站在兩個永恒的十字路口：一個我無法改變的過去，和一個我無法預測的未來。我只能存在於當下。我可以忍受今天帶來的任何事情，直到太陽下山，知道明天將是新的一天。

生活過得很快。我們在空間中以驚人的速度旅行。今天是我擁有的最寶貴的財產。我只生活在當下的時刻。没有人会失去除了他们正在度過的生活，也沒有人會活得除了他们即將失去的生活。

最長和最短的生活之間的區别微乎其微。我們不能失去過去或未來；我們唯一可以確定擁有的只有現在。因此，為了最小化煩慮，我應該專注於活在當下。

在所有資源—集中力、時間和金錢—中，時間對我來說是成功和健康最關鍵的。延續明天的演講不會提高我的表現；相反，它可能會妨礙它，導致睡眠不足並削弱我的集中力。

通過優化我的時間並專注於當下，我可以在生活中獲得更好的結果。這是我有力量去迎接改變的唯一時刻。

通常來說，活在當下有助於更快樂的生活、個人成長、改善社交互動和更大的自我接受。我相信我當下的直覺和情緒，助我對抗自我冒名順手牽羊的感覺。

降低我的期望並知道我已經在一個特定的情況下全力以赴，有助於在遭遇失敗時減輕尷尬。我必須為我目前的狀況負責，而不是隱藏在不切實際的幻想後面或者責怪別人。

通過不那麼在乎他人可能對我在未來的看法，我可以冒險去探尋我的能力。挑戰我的自我信念可能會揭示出，人們對我的缺點的接受程度比我想象的要高。讓自己赤裸裸，真實的面對可能會帶來更牢固的社會連接。

至今，我避免對社會評價的過度反應。我珍視與那些真正欣賞和尊重我的人的當下時刻。我對過去的看法煩惱較少，更多地專注於未來特定的人如何看待我。

活在當下是一種强大的工具，可以控制压倒性的排斥和羞辱的感覺。这使我更能意识到偶爾會让我的思绪变得负面的不合理的想法。

  • 3 min read

Think Before I Act

When my girlfriend, Joanne, broke up with me, I lost control. Consumed by depression, I acted on raw emotion rather than rational thought. Had I taken a moment to think before acting impulsively, things might have turned out differently for us.

Instead, my erratic actions only worsened the situation. I almost begged Joanne for her forgiveness, hoping my sincerity would make her reconsider. Unfortunately, this approach backfired, exposing my neediness and insecurity.

Joanne proceeded to block all forms of communication with me—WhatsApp, phone calls, and social media. I responded by doing the exact opposite of what I should have done: giving her space and taking time to calm down. The more I attempted to fix the problem, the further away I pushed her.

My irrational behavior yielded disastrous results. Despite my frantic efforts, everything unraveled. Joanne remained unyielding, and I conceded defeat in the relationship.

When a new girlfriend, Jessica, broke up with me, I found myself back in the same dire situation. Despite my attempts to apologize for what seemed like minor issues, she became distant and unforgiving. This time, however, I knew better than to repeat my previous mistakes. I needed to adopt a cool, calm, and collected approach, to sit down and assess what had gone wrong before taking any drastic measures. Not doing so would have been a grave mistake.

Love is a complex emotional experience, and while my efforts to mend a broken relationship may have moved me, they failed to connect with my partner. Acting out of fear and insecurity only exacerbated the situation.

Had I taken the time to think before acting impulsively, I could have avoided a lot of emotional turmoil. Instead of succumbing to depression, I should have sought support from family, friends, or professional counseling.

Books became my closest advisors, teaching me to view relationships from a woman’s perspective. I learned to ask critical questions like, what does a woman think during a breakup? What does she prioritize? What does she truly need and want?

To apply this newfound wisdom, I had to control my instincts and weigh them against rational thought. This entailed considering the other side of the story, examining multiple perspectives, and identifying when my emotional reactions were becoming unreasonable.

Over time, I managed to recover from these failed relationships. Life is never perfect, and Murphy’s Law often rears its head at the most inconvenient times. At one point, I thought business strategies could solve personal problems, but I was sorely mistaken. A relationship involves two individuals, each with their own unique perspectives and expectations. The key is to find a way for these two persons to live harmoniously despite their differences.

In relationships, it’s easy to focus inward, generating unnecessary worries. Instead, shift the focus from "me" to "us," and identify viable solutions. It's crucial to think before acting, especially when emotions run high.

I’ve learned that thinking and acting are distinct yet interconnected processes. Each has its merit but cannot replace the other. Thus, balance is crucial. Overthinking without taking action is counterproductive, just as acting without thinking is reckless.

In the grand scheme of things, the only element I can control is my thought process. Before taking any action, it’s essential to assess whether my thinking is aligned with my objectives.

It's easy to have a plan until things go wrong. True character and strategy are tested when facing consistent setbacks. Before diving into advanced strategies and tactics, it's fundamental to ask: am I thinking correctly before acting? This serves as the foundation for all future decisions and actions.

  • in zh
  • 1 min read

在我行動之前先思考

當我的女朋友喬安娜分手時，我失去了控制。我被抑鬱所吞噬，依據的是原始情緒而不是理性思考。如果我在衝動行動之前，花一點時間思考，我們的結果可能會有所不同。

相反，我無法預測的行動只是使情況惡化。我幾乎向喬安娜哀求她的原諒，希望我的誠意能讓她重新考慮。不幸的是，這種方法產生了反效果，暴露了我的需要和不安全感。

喬安娜接著阻擋了我所有的溝通方式，包括WhatsApp、電話和社交媒體。我做出了我本應該做的完全相反的事情：給予她空間，並花時間靜下心來。我試圖去解決問題的次數越多，我推開她的次數就越多。

我的非理性行為導致了災難性的結果。儘管我瘋狂地努力，但一切都破滅了。喬安娜仍然堅定，我在這段關係中認輸了。

當新的女朋友傑西卡和我分手時，我又發現自己身處同樣的困境。儘管我嘗試為一些看似微不足道的問題道歉，她卻變得冷漠和無情。然而，這次我知道我不該重蹈覆轍。我需要保持冷靜著呢並理智地處理，坐下來分析出了什麼問題，然後再採取任何嚴重的措施。如果不這樣做，那將是一個重大的錯誤。

愛是一種複雜的情感經歷，而我的努力去修補一段破裂的關係也許已經感動了我，但卻無法和我的伴侶產生共鳴。出於恐懼和不安全感而行事只會使情況更糟。

如果我在衝動行動之前花時間去思考，我本可以避免很多情感的困擾。我應該尋求來自家人、朋友或專業諮詢的支援，而不是向抑鬱低頭。

書籍成為了我最親密的顧問，教我從女性的角度看待關係。我學會了問一些關鍵的問題，比如說，在分手時，一個女人在想什麼？她優先考慮的是什麼？她真正需要和想要什麼？

要運用這種新發現的智慧，我必須控制我的本能反應，並將它們與理性思考相比較。這需要考慮事情的另一面，檢視多種角度，並確定何時我的情感反應變得不合理。

隨著時間的推移，我成功地從這些失敗的關係中恢復了過來。生活永遠不會完美，而墨菲定律往往在最不方便的時候出現。有一段時間，我以為商業策略可以解決個人問題，但我錯了。一個關係涉及到兩個個體，每個人都有自己獨特的觀點和期望。關鍵是找到一種方法讓這兩個人儘管有差異，但仍能和諧共處。

在關係中，我們很容易只關注自己，產生不必要的擔憂。相反，從"我"轉移到"我們"，並找出可行的解決方案。尤其在情緒高漲的時候，思考再行動非常重要。

我了解到思考和行動是兩個獨立但相互連結的過程。每個過程都有其價值，但不能替代另一個。因此，平衡至關重要。過度思考而不採取行動是逆產生效果，而儘管不加思考就行動是魯莽的。

在大局中，我唯一可以控制的元素是我的思考過程。在採取任何行動之前，我必須評估我的思考是否與我的目標一致。

當事情出錯時，擁有一個計劃很簡單。真正的性格和策略在面臨持續的挫折時才會被測試。在深入研究高級策略和技巧之前，我們首先需要問自己：我在行動前是否已經正確地思考了？這是所有未來決定和行動的基石。